Unnecessary Contemplation
by Dream Pyre
Summary: Near thinks about Kira, Mello, himself, and what will happen to the world. He wishes he wouldn't. Edited.


Edited, for punctuation and minor stylistic elements. I have no idea at all why I wrote this. It didn't even get stuck in my head like Roses did; I didn't even completely notice I was writing it until it was halfway done. Admittedly I was distracted, but nonetheless odd. Anyway, this is similar to Perfection in validity: nothing proves it's wrong, but nothing really supports it either. So here it is; I don't like it much but it's not improving any more than it has. And I don't care all that much either really; I don't dislike Near but I don't like him all that much either, he just doesn't seem as real to me as some of the other characters, so I have no idea at all why (or how) I wrote this…. Enjoy.  


* * *

Near knows a lot. That's a given; everyone knows that. What they don't know is that he wonders even more.

Near wonders, sometimes, what 'Kira' really means. He knows what Kira is, of course, and where the name came from. Kira is a serial killer with a superiority complex, adjusted in various ways due to circumstances in order to make it appear to be a God complex. Near doesn't think it's quite a God complex, yet; Kira would have confronted him, or done something equally extreme, if that were the case. He doesn't bother correcting anyone though; if Kira doesn't have a God complex yet, that doesn't mean he isn't getting close.

And Near knows that 'Kira' is a pun on 'Killer.' It was somewhat hard for him to miss. But other people have missed it, it seems; Kira has recently made it into the top ten baby names globally, for boys and girls both. He wonders what those parents think they're naming their child. A savior? A god? A murderer? A sacrifice? Powerful, hunted, beautiful, lost? Near wishes, when he's bored, that he could ask them. He wishes more often that he knew what they actually were naming their child. He notices, ironically, that 'Light,' 'Hope,' and 'Angel,' and each language's respective translations, have also become exceedingly popular. He wonders what Kira thinks of that.

He wonders if Kira even knows.

Near wonders, other times, before he catches himself, what Mello is doing. The other boy disappeared without a trace, but Near knows Mello well enough. He knows that there's no way Mello would actually quit chasing Kira. If he was paralyzed from the neck down he'd probably keep going and not even acknowledge that 'paralyzed' means 'you can't _walk_, damnit, Mello.' If Near caught Kira first… well, Near doesn't know what Mello will do then, but he knows it will be drastic. Hunt Kira down in jail and kill him, perhaps. It's quite a stupid thing to do and Near is certain that Mello would know that, but Near has no difficulty believing that he'd do it anyway.

More than that, he wonders where Mello is, what he's doing. Matt's probably with him—he's certainly not at Wammy's anymore—and Near half hopes that Matt will keep Mello out of unreasonable danger, at least. He doubts it, though. It would have been a nearly impossible task, most likely even for L, and Matt wasn't ever really given to actively doing anything anyway. Near can't think of much Matt could do short of tackling Mello, knocking him out, and keeping him chained to a chair for the duration of the Kira case. Probably for the next five years after it, too. Near's pretty sure that it isn't possible. He's even more sure that Matt wouldn't try, anyway. So whatever Mello's planning to do, he'll probably do it.

He doesn't wonder what the results of whatever Mello's doing will be. He knows better than to think about things like that.

Near wonders, too, sometimes, about himself. He doesn't really want to, but at times there isn't anything else to do. He's been trained to always use his mind to the fullest extent that he can, but there are times when there's something he has to do that just doesn't take much effort. Watching TVs to find Mikami, for instance. He had to do it himself, but it wasn't at all something that required hard thinking. And when that happens, his mind likes to go off on its own and wonder, and quite often, he runs out of anything else to wonder about.

He wonders what he would have done if things were different. What if L had sided with Kira? Would he have followed, or defied L, and tried to catch Kira? Or tried to catch them both? If L had sided with Kira, would it even have been 'catching' Kira anymore, or would he have been leading a revolution instead? Near's Rebellion in Kira's world. Or, rather, he would have been assisting in Mello's rebellion, probably. If he'd defied L, Mello almost certainly would have done so earlier, and Mello was much more suited to the kind of leading that a rebellion would need than Near was.

Of course, it may be that leading a rebellion is exactly what he's doing, anyway, since the entire world seems to have bowed to Kira. Near wonders what will happen when Kira is caught. If he's put on trial, the jury will simply declare him innocent, most out of worship and the rest out of fear. Probably the most damage he could do would be to publish Kira's identity to the world and let a stalker kill him, or drive him insane. Or let Mello have him—that would certainly be an interesting situation. Near's not sure what Mello would do with Kira under his control, and he can't decide whether he doesn't want to know, or Mello would simply start yelling at Near for insulting him, and do absolutely nothing to Kira, maybe even let him escape so that Mello could start a rebellion. Perhaps Near should suggest that; Mello would probably have fun leading it, and Near thinks that he might, too.

Provided they had a secure base, anyway. Trying to keep his toys in a tent could be quite irritating, not to mention actually building with them.

Near wonders, eventually, why he's even trying to catch Kira. It's not like he could have him arrested; it wouldn't work at all. He could publish his identity and let a stalker kill him—that option was beginning to sound more and more appealing, but he dismissed it. It wasn't practical; Kira would have bodyguards all over the place, as well as a planet's worth of people ready to die to protect him. The only other options Near could think of were personally imprisoning Kira, without any legal means involved, or simply killing him. But really, what was the point of catching Kira like that? Near wouldn't have caught Kira, he would have become Kira.

So while Near would normally, and does publicly, claim that he is trying to catch Kira for justice, he knows that that's not it. Catching Kira would have meant justice a month after Kira started killing, but now it would mean nothing at all. So, what is it? Revenge, for L? Near knows that that was one of Mello's reasons, and he knows that catching Kira would be avenging L, to some extent. He's just not sure if that's why he's doing it.

Just to prove himself, or just because it was expected of him? It certainly was expected of him, and no matter how well he hides it, Near does want very much to prove himself. Prove himself to who, though—he doesn't know that anymore, if he ever did. Most of Wammy's children wanted to prove themselves to L, but Near never liked L all that much, and he isn't sure if respect is enough to make him prove himself. And the same applies to being expected to catch Kira; who was left that even knew he existed, much less expected him to do anything? Mello? He doesn't care what Mello expects him to do, nor does he know what Mello expects, most of the time. So who expects anything, L's ghost? Near is pretty sure not.

Maybe he tries just because that is what Mello is doing? Near may have generally ignored Mello, but that never meant he wasn't aware of the other boy. His competitions with Mello, and whatever odd relationship they had, was just about the only constant he ever had, apart from his toys, and somehow the toys weren't as fulfilling. He has no idea what that relationship was, much less what it is—the lines between rivalry and hatred and indifference and dependency blurred long ago, and Near doesn't really care for them to come back.

A corner of his mind wonders if the connection between Near and Mello is really all that different from the one between Kira and L.

Near wonders, too, what the world will be like after Kira. Most likely it will go back to normal, except for a few who will remain convinced that Kira will return. Probably some of the Kira cults will turn into vigilante groups, convinced that Kira will return only if they remove enough of the evil. He's pretty sure some of them already are. Near supposes that he'll have to spend a lot of his time tracking down such groups, if he decides to do so.

But Near doesn't really care about them. He wonders, more, what life will be like for him, and Mello and Matt and his team and the NPA members and everyone else involved. Kira is the world for them, by now. In different ways, and almost never a good one, but he's still everything. What will happen when everything his life has been about for six years is done? Near will go on as L, but what will Mello do? He wouldn't help Near, and Near can't imagine what he'd do instead. Start his own name as a detective, to try to overcome Near's reputation? Probably. If he sees a point in it anymore, and Near isn't sure that there would be one, to either of them. And the detectives will go on solving cases, go back to their families that they no longer really know. And his team—what will they do? What will anyone do, and more than that, what reason can they find? If, he thinks, anyone really needs a reason to do anything. He's not sure he has a reason to catch Kira, so why have a reason for anything else?

Near doesn't quite hate Kira, but he certainly feels disdain for him, and everything he represents. Still, though, he can't help but feel a little apprehensive when he thinks of what will happen when Kira is gone. For so long, everything has been about Kira; catching Kira, finding Kira, escaping Kira…. He just doesn't know what he'll do when that's over. He doesn't think something bad will happen, exactly, but he doesn't think anything will happen. He wonders if he's right, if anyone else feels the same, if maybe that's why Mello is so reckless.

Near wonders all the time, or close to it. He wonders when he's thinking, building with his toys, and probably even when he sleeps. Some things he hates to wonder about, some he will push out of his head as much as he can, and some he's given up on avoiding. There is a problem with being a genius, really. Ignorance truly is bliss, and geniuses are rarely ignorant.

Near knows a lot, and he wonders even more. He wonders, most of all, what will happen when everything is over. What will be left of him, for him? Everyone else? After the world's world is gone, what will remain, and what will it be worth? Enough to make up for everything that's gone? He doesn't want to know that answer.

Near wonders a lot.

He ignores how often he wonders only because he doesn't want to acknowledge the answers that he knows.


End file.
